Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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