I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize