4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
