My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
