This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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