Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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