just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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