Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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