So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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