If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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