you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
