it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
