i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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