I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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