I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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