No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
