I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
