There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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