I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
