Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
