I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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