remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
