Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize