Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
