I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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