We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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