You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
