My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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