I could make wine with my vomit
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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