Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
