she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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