I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize