Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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