Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
