If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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