Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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