maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
