I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
