my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
