Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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