I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
