I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
