ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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