Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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