It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
