ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
