im about as happy as oj after his trial
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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