hotel room ftw
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
