Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
