I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
