Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize