the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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