The maid of honor just puked.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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