im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize