Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
