i think my tv is drunk
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
God, I missed his penis.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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