I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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