i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
